EFT COUPLES THERAPY
What is Emotionally Focused
Couples Therapy and how does it work?
Most of the people who call me for couples counseling tell me that they’re having trouble communicating. Simply stated, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) changes the way couples communicate. Developed by Dr. Susan Johnson and verified in numerous studies, EFT offers a way of strengthening the connection—or bond—between two people who want to improve their relationship. When that bond is is strong, communication becomes safe and easy.
Here’s what I tell clients in our first session together. Distressed couples fall into patterns or “negative cycles.” The things they argue about may vary but the way they argue can be remarkably consistent. For example: She says: “I need you to pay attention to this!” He says: “Later.” She says: “Yeah right.” He says: “well, forget it!” He stomps into the bedroom while she follows him, giving him an earful, he wheels on her and now they’re yelling at each other, crying, slamming doors. Somebody’s walking out of the house to blow off steam while somebody stews at home. EFT begins with our working together to identify your particular negative cycle.
Once we identify your cycle, we can start to read together the sub-titles underlying the argument: “I want you to pay attention to me,” “I want you to give me some space and some respect,” “I feel lonely and rejected,” “I’m never good enough for you.” We drop deeper into the way these feelings resonate for each of you. We explore the childhood experiences, the cultural context, your personal stories and your relationship history (including any betrayals and infidelities)—all the influences that are impacting the current state of your relationship.
You start to be able to turn to each other and risk the vulnerability of expressing these deeper emotions to each other. And lo and behold, your partner can understand those feelings. When your partner isn’t being told what he or she is doing wrong or what isn’t good enough, then he or she can hear you when you say , “I’m lonely, I need you, where are you?” When you say it that way, your partner can empathize without judging or being defensive. Now you’re communicating. You start to feel close again.